five.

five.

When I first started to realize my own fascination with words, it was a remarkable experience. 5, being my favorite number, and also the number of years I have made it through to become a person with foundation – a finale of a book I never knew I was writing. An internal and private memoir that allowed me to be multiple different iterations of myself. Here is the thing about our life stories…. they are endless. You just have to decide when you want to end a chapter of your life and begin a whole new story. I think that subconsciously, many other stories have been closed in my life. But this year, the story of the last 5 years is concluding by choice.

It started with an unexpected pregnancy. I surely never would have expected that I would be still single and raising a child on my own 5 years later. But here I am. I made it through all the long sleepless nights of year 1. I made it through the challenge of removing my old lifestyle during year 2. I made it through the actual “terrible 3’s” and realized that everyone was slightly kidding when they said it was 2 that was the hardest. Trust me, 3 was the hardest, but also the year I became the toughest. And 4 has been remarkably fun but full of turmoil. A year full of thoughts “Who do I want to be?” and more importantly, “Who am I now?” And maybe even most critical of all the questions, “Who am I going to chose to be when I determine who I really am?”

I still am no closer to finding the right person to join our life. But I do know pretty well what would be a good fit – and not. I would absolutely wait another 5 years though, if I had to, if it meant the right man would come into our life. I’ve realized how simple it is to actually love and be loved. I am eternally grateful for a strong willed and emotional child. Anyone who cannot accept him, will surely not be able to accept me. He is my other half. And regardless of the growing pains we have had to go through, he is the most constant and loving part of my life.

So where am I going with all of this? No where. The journey has become more important than any outcome. Look at the story you have to tell this world; look how vibrant you have been, or the impact you have made in so many lives around you — and how other parts of you are so dark you cant even comprehend or accept that was even the person you could have been. I assume this is normal for those who recognize their own evolution. I suppose I just want to remind my future self, another year or two or five or even ten from now, that you are trying and you are doing okay. The world is still spinning and you can be whoever you want at any time. And someone will love you some day – and it will be everything you imagined. It will be the easiest decision either one of you have ever made. And if its not, then being alone is really not so bad. Stop chasing the wrong people for so long. But also, do not give up if there is a chance your heart and mind disagree. Its better to try a little too hard then look back with regrets. You are powerful and intense part of this world. Those who came in to your life just to leave you, left you with some additional perspective; be grateful and humble always. The universe is making sure you are ready for life. Ever thought that maybe your life has so much purpose that you have to accomplish more selflessly before you can reach a more content place with someone else? Keep striving. Live peacefully: both towards others and more so to yourself. Life is happening. They say, “you cant pour from an empty cup.” So, please, stop doing that. When you feel empty, replenish. Follow your heart and honor the values you have worked so hard for and almost died to keep. You are you. Alone and beautifully so.

You would not want everyone to be like you. You would not feel unique. So embrace you. Learn to love all around. Life is a blessing. #keepgrinding

 

spirit animal

spirit animal

One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can.  Frederick Buechner

I started to spend time with him even though he reminded me of you, a little. He looked sort of like you, but better. He was close to your age. He even liked all the same things as you; bright, odd colored socks, hikes to exotic places, Boulder. But how could I punish him for merely just being like the person that you lied about being? My feelings for him are more complex than they were for you. You fed my beast. You allowed my monster to throw its tantrums and run wild as you caressed me with empty words. You fed my inner struggles and starved my thirsty soul. You gave me everything I thought I wanted, only tinged with control and power. He gives me none of that. He does not allow my demons to overwhelm him. His approach is inspiration smothered with loneliness and discomfort. I think that is what evolving feels like; like what a caterpillar must feel like as it pushes through the capsule it has been comfortably resting it. It does not know what to expect as it breaks through its own barriers. I can only assume it does not realize it will soon learn to fly. Its painful to not understand him and feel as though he does not understand me. But one thing is crystal clear, he inspires me to think. And he does not let the darkness be my guiding force. And he does not even realize it. Its balance.

We walked around after our second date breakfast. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I cant read him. Said the girl after two dates. Sighing at myself. There is no manual to a person who is whole all by themselves. But he just does, he likes me. I know that. Or rather, I can feel that. Yet, my first instinct is to tear him to pieces and try to figure him out. I am realizing slowly that taking apart pieces to understand someone does not necessarily give you a clearer grasp of who they are. Especially when you are not fully equipped to help put them back together. And he surely wouldn’t let me do that even if I wanted to. So I decided not to. Realistically, it was not really a choice or decision; and I did not want to at a certain point. Unfortunately, that brings upon pain for me. A pain that feels like I am misunderstood, inadequate or unloved. However, the stronger of feelings is that I would rather have him say special things when he really thinks them instead of when I think I need to hear them. Like, when he was holding me and told me I was a ‘catch’. That felt unique, maybe not in content, but in the way he made me feel when he said it. Having him say his true thoughts in his own words, it sure feels more authentic that probing them out of him; and with him, I am not sure he would play my game even if I really tried to.

I’ve made a decision to allow others to make their own decisions. He is fully capable and wise enough to make choices as to what he wants and what is best. So each time I refrain from trying to make him love me too soon, or want me before he is ready (if ever), I think I am showing him my genuine heart. So the story continues, we walked. And as we walked by the creek, I felt at peace. He takes me there because he knows that water is calming and I think he also does that for himself. Water signs. Its just something we inherently understand and feel without assigning words to it. Each conversation we have is just a sliver of words. They feel disjointed, in that, they come in small in instances, but eventually form into larger thoughts. That day it was a simple thought, spirit animals. He asked if I had a creature that kept reappearing in my life. I could not think of any. And that was the end of that conversation. A conversation with dialogue that ended in that moment between us but continued reappearing in my recollection of that day.

So, I went home with so many other thoughts and feelings in my heart. He kissed me. And I remembered this one. I never remember being touched. Or the first kiss. Its overwhelming, normally, or happens in a matter that is not something that seems relevant. But with this one, I thought long and hard about that. How I have never remembered a first kiss with anyone. I remember how he squirmed for a long time. He could not make up his mind when the right time would be, or, maybe if he wanted to at all. I felt that. He would look at me and he would touch my hand or caress my shoulder; but still could not find his moment. I am not sure what took him so long, but I appreciated that he let it happen when it felt organic. Sitting side by side, leaned forward, moved his body closer to mine, and looked deeply in my eyes. I took a moment, where I thought about whether I should lean into him too. But my body decided against that.  So, for a few seconds that felt like many minutes, I made him stare into my eyes. I felt his body was shaky, but I still did not match him in his effort to press his face or lips against mine. Instead, he waited there, vulnerable. I think he was waiting for me to make a decision. And when I didn’t, he got a little closer still. It felt like there was no space left between us, as his nose gently swept across mine, to which I reciprocated. Lipless kisses, where a part of the face just brushes against skin, have always been my favorite shy kiss. And in that moment, he pressed his lips upon mine. And that was our first.

Then I thought about how he touched me. He felt my bones. He moved his hands around freely and fearlessly. He focused on what parts he liked. I could tell because he moved around to every part of my arm before resting his touch on my shoulder and elbow. And soon after, we walked back, and I drove away. All I had left was a few memories and an endless wave of thoughts.

He calls them wound attacks when I get angry and cant adequately explain myself. I like the way he frames feelings into words that are complex enough to feel significant and gentle enough to be fully digested. And as I sat there, a few days after our time together, I was still thinking about him when I got a notification on the camera I have outside my front door. I got that because of you. Because of how unsafe you made me feel when you came to my door and left me the letter. I figured that it would be helpful to see you coming next time. And also how fortunate it was that we were not there when you decided to leave it.

Lately, around the same time every night, but never on predictable days, I have had a visitor. Every time the notification pops up, my heart still falls and my fingers tingle. I sit there paralyzed, breathless, so that you wont see me moving in my own home; not even a shadow or movement in my chest. Just as quickly as the magical thoughts of this new man entrance me, the thought of you cracks open my wound and I am empty again. But its never you. Its my new visitor, my new company. When she first came, she guided effortlessly and rapidly down the window right in front of the camera. It was a flash of yellow and then she was gone. But I could see her. It was like she wanted to be noticed. Just like me, screaming inside to the universe, ‘please. please, see me.’. So I thought it must be coincidence, because spiders are everywhere. And I began to appreciate how frightening she looked on camera and how big she appeared when so close to the lens, even if on the other side of double-pained glass. And then I decided to sleep. The thought of her and him were both gone.

I did not think about her again for a week. Still, endless thoughts about him still came. And I think she wanted to be noticed again so this time, when she returned, she moved a little slower. She crept right by the lens, shouting to me, ‘notice me. i am worthy’. So I did. I paid attention to her. But I was still blind. I did not know what I was look at or for. There were spiders all over, and my only thought was, how interesting it was to have caught her twice on a randomly placed camera by my door. And then the thoughts were gone again. Until last night. When I made a decision to open my heart truly to him. Through frustration and uncertainty, I made a choice to try to love him. And sent out some hope that maybe he would love me too someday. I made some lavender lemonade from the herbs I bought at the shop he showed me. I thought I needed to heal some dark part inside of me until he told me that we do not actually need to heal, and at the deep core of our being, we are already healed. And I calmly sat wondering of so many things I wanted to express to him. And childishly wished those things would come faster, that I could speed up time and skip to the part where we were just together. And then within another instance, was feeling grateful for what was presently the place we were, not physically together, but still something that felt worthwhile.

That’s when she made her third appearance. She must of been hoping I was finally going to open my eyes and see her as more than a physical body. Just like me. Hoping. Silently screaming, ‘See me.’ I watched her again, only her legs this time. As if she was waving. She moved slower than ever before. And within a few seconds, she was gone again. I thought, at first, ‘I should spray that area tomorrow morning. Spiders are sort of scary and I should just put some poison out there.’ And then my mind stopped. It paused. I remembered what he told me, ‘have you seen any creatures more than normal lately’. And next flashed, ‘spirit animals’. She had been pursuing me for months. She was not a threat to me, and yet my first instinct was to poison her and make the occurrence go away? And then I thought of him. Always going back in my mind to traces of his words. He leaves so many intense and wonderful thoughts inside me and gives me the ability to put complex ideas together.

It was one of the more intense moments in my life. That realization; where about 5 different moving pieces from two different distinct conversations (with him) came colliding together into something cohesive:

If the spider shows up in your life, this spirit animal may remind you of negative aspects of your personality or your life that need to come to the light more fully. For many, spiders inspire fear or at least some form of aversion. As such, they tend to be associated with what psychologists would call “the shadow self”. In brief, your “shadow” or “shadow self” are aspects of your personality or your life that you or other people deem unworthy or not likable and are therefore rejected or repressed.

The spider as a spirit animal does not typically take on these negative attributes. Nevertheless, its presence in your life might bring up negative feelings or unease. Whenever you feel your relationship with your power animal is characterized by tension, discomfort or fear, you can ask yourself where these feelings also appear in your life. Look for any association with your personal feelings, even if it indirectly leads you to other areas of your life, such as work, family, or a relationship for instance.

 
Here’s another question to ask to interpret the meaning of the spider spirit animal and the guidance it offers:  What kind of relationship or connection did you or did you want to establish with this animal? Was the spider threatening or harmful? Did you kill or harm it? The answer will indicate the kind of dynamic that is shaping up between you and what the spider represents.
Spirit animal, I see you and I feel you. I will honor you. And I will fight to keep him around; for all the things he does not even understand that he contributes to me. And if he decides to not love me, that will be his choice and not my forceful push in that direction. I will honor him.
And so “you”, this is the last time I will write to you and about you. This is my true courage to forgive you. This is the goodbye I never really gave you and the one we both deserve.
Sincerely, happyshadeofblue

opposites

I have written about him so many times that I cant remember. The way he went in and out of my life for years and I could never truly figure out how I felt. Did I despise how little he made me feel when he went away, or did I enjoy the fact that there was someone out there who could love me without needing me. He wrote my a song recently. Sent it to me from 3 years ago. I think he loves to torture me. They all do.

/he and i both had wings.

/he and i knew how to fly,

but my roots would always keep more grounded

/he had a need to go. anywhere. anytime.

/he only sought someone who would freely go with him.

Me; only the desire to soar in open skies

but never far or forever from my perch.

/my depths would have crushed him.

/my need for a safe place to land

would feel like shackles to him.

/and his carefree spirit, his need to always run

would feel like shackles on my heart.

Two opposites, that were too opposite.

Sincerely, happyshadeofblue

until tomorrow

“Yes, there are monsters, and it’s okay to be afraid of them. But it’s not okay to let them win, and it’s not okay to be one.”

I wrote a post a few days ago. I read it again the last few days, and it doesn’t adequately express my point. So I decided to start over with this one.

People often say that they woke up on the wrong side of the bed and they are not in a good mood. Most times they say there is not a clear reason for this; but just they are not feeling well or like themselves. I have never found that to be the case for me. When I am not doing well, or not in a good mental space, I normally have a pretty damn good reason. But yesterday and today that was different. There are many factors that could have contributed to my mood, but in all honesty, none of them were the reason I felt unsettled or unhappy. This tends to be how I feel every time I start to veer over into the “I am feeling normal again” phase. When things start to go back to normal, my “fight or flight” instincts have calmed down, and I am ready to start moving on with my life again.

But now I know better. The last time I let my guard down and thought, that after 2 months of hearing nothing, I was finally past this horrible mistake. I thought maybe he was going to leave me alone and I could start moving on with my life. That I did not have to be responsible for the bad choice in a partner and could focus on making myself a better person and moving on with my life. I never wanted to hurt him. I saw a broken man and I did everything in my power to love him. He wouldn’t agree with that or believe it. The statement may even make him irate. I made him accountable for his actions, for his lies, for who he was. And that was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I saw pieces, jagged and tarnished, and I tried to apply glue and polish to something that unfixable; irreparable. Next thing I know, I come home one night to find a suicidal and threatening note on my door. Bold enough to pound loudly on my door (so the neighbors said) and leave this note on my door.

Why knock? …To inflict fear.

So my guard stays up. And I feel grouchy and un-trusting of everything, everyone, and every situation. I am not allowed to heal or feel better, because that would mean I was letting my guard down. I am working on the middle ground for this. But the unexpected, and the instinctual feeling that this is not over, keep me sticking more on the side of “apprehensive” and with a constant, underlying need to protect myself.

But amidst the anguish, and the fear and the pain, we must remain hopeful. Hopeful that whatever happens will only do so because its a universal lesson for me. I was meant to know this pain. My spirit needs to catch up. My old soul is only reliving experiences that were necessary for growth and opportunity. And so I must remain human, but hopeful.

And if you ever find me here, and you ever read these words, know this: I will not be afraid forever. I will never be a monster like you.

Sincerely, happyshadeofblue

Stay beautiful, baby.

“Underneath my outside face, is one that none can see. A little less smiley, a little less sure, but a whole lot more like me.”

Shel Silverstein

I used to have another blog once. I would pour out my soul and write words that I thought someone, somewhere, would understand and relate to. Even just one person. I thought, if there was just one other wounded human in this world that could possibly understand; that would read these broken and confused words and make sense of them, that mean everything was going to be alright. Ultimately, the need and desire to be accepted, understood, and not be entirely alone is sort of a driving force. But what I did not realize, is that he was reading them.  And he took my words twisted them. He used them against me. Classic sociopath. Or psychopath. Depends on how you look at it. I’m even slightly scared now to be writing that down. Is he reading this? Will this provoke him?

Power. Control. Manipulation. Scare tactics. Fear.

One time, after realizing that our relationship was not working, I ended things. I was scared because he still had so much power over me. Personally, professionally, emotionally – he had seemingly all of the power. He took my power. I could not even write. The one thing that gave me peace, he took, and turned it into something ugly. I used to adore a quote. The quote written just above these paragraphs. And he tainted it. He took the simplicity of it, and made the hidden part of me a ‘monster’. Instead if allowing my words to be pure, he turned them into poison. That was his specialty. Making himself the victim. Lying about his story so much, and to the extent, that he did not even know the truth. And he read that blog. And he never told me until I took it away – made it private – and took his power away from even knowing my thoughts. And he told me that bothered him. That his ‘only request’ was to allow him to read it again. So I stopped writing in it entirely, and have never looked back.

“Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice.”

Ayn Rand

I laid in bed last night, wondering what the worst part of life could be as a result of him. Was I scared of what would happen? Could he hurt me? Or was that my choice…?

I say that everything happens for a reason. And if that’s the case, if he continues to try to hurt me, I suppose all I can do is make a choice to not be afraid anymore. I found a solution for fear once, when there were monsters under my bed; and I learned to turn on the lights.

Sincerely, happyshadeofblue

Hide and Seek

“I will persist. I will always take another step. If that is of no avail, I will take another, and yet another.”

-Og Mandino

“Life becomes easier when you accept the apology you never get.”

-R. Brauk

No hesitation. I am not running away anymore.

I remember there was a night I called my mom. She was a lot of things, but “sympathetic” and “empathetic” would not be the way I describe her. She had her own burdens, horrors, secrets. She would listen, but never contribute to making things better. That was just part of what mom was. She filled a gap of some kind, just because she was my mom. But my happiness has always been my own responsibility. Picking myself up was the only constant I  have ever known. But still, I would call her, because she would silently listen and I did not really need her response.

I told her that night, sobbing, how uncomfortable and weird I felt about all the attention he was giving me. I felt kind of scared. I cherished the days that I did not have to see him. But I was obligated on most days. I was stuck in a weird situation where my instincts told me to run, but my naivety forced me to stay. I suppose when I look back at the situation now, I can only imagine that this was all “meant to happen this way”. But I remember how sick it made me feel. How could I have ever changed my mind and heart to allow this monster in my life? How pathetic. That’s all I kept thinking. Sometimes that’s still all I feel.

My mom said I needed to be more grateful. That I was being dramatic. My dad concurred. And so I buried it a little. I decided that maybe they were right. I was overthinking the feelings I was having. I should just keep an open mind. I should throw out my intuition, just this once. I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I meant, what was I really so upset about? Someone was paying attention to me…. a lot of it. I just should be happy that a man was paying attention to me. And then my inner voice would kick in, quietly.

Inner dialogue:

Me 1:”No. There is something wrong with this situation. He makes you uncomfortable.”

Me 2:”Oh, give it up. Grow up. A man likes you, and is trying to help you. Stop crying, just go with it. Do not say no. Try something new.”

Me 1:”But, you’re still crying. You know, somewhere inside of you, this makes you scared. It makes you uncomfortable. He is paying too much attention. He is watching you too much. He is saying too much to you. Trust yourself.”

Me 2: “Maybe you just need to open your heart. Accept that someone just likes you. Maybe its your soul mate. Maybe you weren’t expecting it. Maybe this is just how it happens. Stop trying so hard to make sense of everything, and go for it. Maybe he loves you.”

My advice: Never listen to the part of you, or the suggestion of anyone else, that would ever guide you against your instincts or intuition.

Sincerely, happyshadeofblue

 

Ready For All Things

“In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations.”
Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

I remember the day I first met him. It was overwhelming; wanting to make a good impression but be somewhat elusive or invisible at the same time. But that day, I was not expecting he would be there. And before that day, even during that day, I was the happiest I can remember ever being in my life. I was hopeful about my life and the opportunities ahead of me. I was ready for anything…. except maybe what I got. I had started meditation, which was self-taught. I would light candles around my room after putting my child to bed. I would play guided videos on my phone, or listen to songs about the color blue. Everything in my life was blue; but only the happy kind. Blue became the symbol associated with my aura. When I meditated, I would go to a place so calm, so peaceful, so loving; and in that place, I was accepted.

My insomnia decreased that year. I no longer had the relentless and persistent lack of sleep that I once did. It felt like things were in my control. I was making the decisions for myself and my life. I started waking up before my alarm. I would sit on my patio and watch the sun rise as I drank coffee and listened to alternative slow songs. I made a playlist of my favorites each month and would bask in the glory of their sweet melody and my healed heart. My soul danced in the wind and my heart belonged to the sun. I was free.

So I dressed up that day. I put on my best makeup. I straightened my hair. I wore a dress that brought out the blue in my eyes and the brown and blonde in my hair. I felt beautiful. It was a moment for me. It was a day that was meaningful, long before he walked into it. But then he did, and I felt excitement. I saw opportunity to prove my worth. And that was my first mistake. My worth had always existed, and I never should have felt obligated to prove it. But it was sunny outside, and the window next to me was pooling sunshine onto me and my desk. It was warm and comforting. The sun wrapped me in its warm blanket and I was never so content. So i smiled a little brighter and I spoke up a little more.

Yet, I did not know who I was meeting that day. I did not notice how my life began to rapidly change from that first conversation, first look, or first interaction. I did not know what I was getting myself into. I did not know who he was or why he made me feel so strange. But, he did not know who he was meeting either.

This is just one small glimpse at the beginning of my story.

Sincerely, happyshadeofblue